When I started this whole Fatman to Batman process I promised myself a few things.
- I wasn’t doing this for anyone else, this was for me.
- I wasn’t doing this for any sort of recognition or accolades. I was doing this to keep myself accountable.
- I was never going to lie about what I had done.
- I was going to share difficulties along with successes.
I find myself standing at a crossroads. The last month (since my birthday) I’ve felt “off.” Things haven’t been jiving and I find myself just going through the motions. I’ve gotten some workouts in, I’ve posted about them, I’ve prepared my meals for the week, meditated in some aspect, read, but for some reason things still weren’t clicking. I was checking all the boxes but it wasn’t satisfying.
A friend of mine, who was a large inspiration for a majority of this adventure, made a comment that has been sitting with me for the last few hours. I’ve had the great luxury of people thinking of me when they see Batman themed things. I shared a photo of someone completing one of these kind acts and said friend responded with “This Batman thing is getting too mainstream.” It was at that moment I realized what had been off for the last month.
I’ve gotten soft.
I’ve gotten comfortable with the things I’m doing. They were hard at one point, but now they’re just part of the routine. I’ve gotten comfortable with what was once uncomfortable and stopped there. I need to own all aspects of my life completely. I am in daily danger of living a life so comfortable and soft, I’m headed towards a road of not knowing what I’m truly capable of. I want the reality of that danger to scare me into action every, single, day. I cannot stop pushing myself towards the uncomfortable.
I’ve gained back (some) weight that I’ve lost, I’ve stopped running experiments on myself to see what would happen. I’ve stopped pushing myself to be uncomfortable, I’ve started quitting when I’m tired, not when I’m done. I’ve lacked discipline with food: some sugarcoated lies here and there, a nibble of something here, more nibbles there, eating out, eating food in packages that crinkle. I’ve started focusing more on making myself feel better, and less on being better. I’ll never be a victim, not even by my own hand. I make the choices, good or bad.
Like all failures, this is simply a learning experience. I now know I need to keep several more small goals in the chamber and ready to go. Once the uncomfortable is comfortable, we push forward.
Back on the path.